Fashion: Sisterhood Of The Scary Underwear

Ages ago, I'd watch my mother climb into a girdle. It was a feat that involved contortions --two steps in, then a wriggle, followed by a squat, all whilst pulling the mighty sheath on. Sadly, there was no Olympic competition for putting on girdles, had there been, she'd of gotten a gold medal. Oddly, my mother wasn't big at all, but such was the fashion in her day. Women of all sizes wore them to attain that hourglass figure. The bras weren't padded, but the cups were shaped like bullets.

Mercifully, a more natural look came into fashion. Girdles and stockings gave way to pantyhose, slips gave way to nothing, and often it wasn't uncommon to find women with longer skirts wearing knee-hi's in place of hose. Bras lost their rigidness and became soft. Clothing became softer, fuller, less form fitting. Fabrics and cuts were more forgiving and jiggly flesh could easily be hidden with a pretty loose-fitting blouse. We enjoyed broomstick skirts, and drawstring pants.

Model Sarah DeAnna wearing Samora. The clean, crisp silhouette of the 1960's makes a comeback for Fall 2008. Photo courtesy of Mercedes Benz Fashion Week

But then as in all things fashion, concepts come back. Clothes are form-fitting once again. Made of jersey, knits, these are dresses meant to be worn to show some curves. Even jeans have changed --they're skinnier and the fabric has spandex woven into it. Dresses are made of jersey, and every lump, bump, even the panty and bra lines can be seen. A new industry has risen and now instead of girdles we have "shapewear," though the models wearing the shapewear really don't need it.

Anyway, I bought a few new dresses and couldn't help noticing... those lumps. And so it was with great middle-aged humility that I went out into the woods of foundation land and went looking at my first pair of scary underwear, when I turned to a woman and asked her for advice. Soon, I had a bevy of women pulling down Spanx from the rack. And each person had their opinion.
"These are too hot."
"This one will creep up and stay around your middle."
"This half-slip often hikes up to my hips."
"Good lord girlfriend! If you have a date, and it gets hot and heavy, you make sure you take that thing off in the bathroom beforehand!"
"When you get out of the car, you'll have to do the wriggle!"

Nicholai by Nikky Hilton. Photo courtesy of MBFW

It was as if I'd joined the Sisterhood Of The Scary Underwear. I chose a full length slip noticing that it seemed awfully small. I paid for it, dreading that I might get stuck in it, suffocate, like a sausage in a tight casing. Thoughts of calling 911 for the jaws of life went through my mind. As I was driving, I thought if I were ever in a situation where I needed a slingshot, this might do. I'm sure I could even hook it between two cars (or to an Airbus) and tow the later if needed. I could also use it to defend myself, could probably take someone eye out with one shot. My multi-use scary underwear might come in handy for things other than holding my wobbly bits in place.

*Postscript --I have mastered the wriggle. I can't imagine not having it. Today, whilst trying on a dress and going out to the 3-way mirror, a woman came out and asked what I thought. She needed Spanx, and gently, I told her so.

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